Back :(

It is with great sadness that I must report that my mother has contracted cancer once again. It makes me so sad, I could see that it has upset her. Its destoyed me again, it was hard enough the first time but now that its come back its worse. I could see it in her eyes that its really got to her. I have told her to be strong and I will make sure that I am by her side in the hospital. I can remember the last time with so much clarity, the day she was told, the day we went to the hospital. I will never forget the day I left her for her operation, I nearly crashed driving back home. No one knows what its like until it happens to someone that you love. I will never discuss this with anyone in person, because I dont want people to say 'sorry' to me. I dont want pity, I didnt before and I dont now. My mother thinks the same as me, only a few close people will be told. I have published this fact on my blog just as a vent I suppose, not for sympathy. That is one thing I dont want from anyone. I have to be strong for my mum, it tears me apart and I would be destroyed if anything happened. I know that she is a strong person, but to get it again does not help. She told me earlier "I am scared" my heart broke in two. We will fight this, I wont let it take her without a fight.

This year has been a terrible year, totally awful. My mum will always be the only one I can share things with, the only 'best friend' that I can trust and love with all my heart. No one will ever match that.

Im a tearful Adam, but only in my own private world. I will not show the fact that this has upset me totally for no one. I need to be there for her, if I lost her then I have lost everything. I love to laugh and make people happy, but its getting harder and harder to do lately.

It wont win......................... I wont let it.................